


Testament of Emily Colton

by positive_kathi25



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Age Difference, Alpha Alfie Solomons, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Loss, Gangsters, Light Dom/sub, Loneliness, Period-Typical Sexism, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:01:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26357629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/positive_kathi25/pseuds/positive_kathi25
Summary: “Eh look a’ me, luv” his deep voice vibrated in his chest and he lowered his head, trying to catch my eyes. I hesitated. I looked up.His face was so close, that our nose tips almost touched. From this proximity I could see a few light amber specs in his dark, brown eyes, circling his even darker pupils.“Are you afraid of me, luv?”
Relationships: Alfie Solomons/Original Female Character(s), Alfie Solomons/Reader
Comments: 52
Kudos: 178





	1. Mr. Sobolon

###  Mr. Sobolon 

This day was as slow as ever. Well, slow didn’t quite fit the bill, but deathly boring was too extreme. However, as I made another bed, I had the urge to scream in the white, soft pillow until all this rumbling energy inside myself was gone, but I didn’t. Instead I smoothed out the white linen and tried to hide a sigh. The hospital ward was extremely quiet at this time and those daily, routine works didn’t manage to switch off my thoughts.  
I looked to the left and saw Mary holding the fresh linen and looking at me with a small smile. She was a small, slightly round woman in her thirties with dark brown hair and eyes that held all kindness in the world in them. She recently started her training as a nurse and even though I was around 10 years younger than her, I was her supervisor for the time. The age difference sometimes felt a bit odd when I gave her orders, but we managed to see past it and ignore it most of the time. Nevertheless, I felt weird showing her how to make a bed for a new patient, because I was sure as hell that she knew it already and was just too kind to say anything, but today it was the only task that came to my mind to pass the time.  
We had already tended to the patients in our ward and for once they all seemed stable and as fine as one can be in a hospital. So, we had more or less nothing to do for now and I went crazy cooped up in the small room for nurses, therefor I decided to change some linen and Mary came after me like a little dog that followed me around everywhere. 

I could hear the clock ticking. 

Tick, tick, tick. 

Not even 10 minutes had passed. I hated shifts like that. Those quiet days made me feel weird and restless. I wanted to run around, tend to patients, barely have time to breath, to be busy. So busy, that I had no time to think. So busy, that my thoughts would be switched off and I worked. Just worked. Therefor I tried to come up with work where there was none. Like those beds. A part of myself felt bad when I got so restless.  
The patients were doing better. We had no new severe cases. I truly wanted no one hurt, but at the same time I just wanted to work. To work until I could finally fall in my bed and sleep. Being in a quiet atmosphere with my own thoughts just haunted me and when I worked those thoughts were mostly switched off. I functioned and I liked it that way. However, today I had no rest from my own head.  
I still heard the clock ticking. 

Tick. Tick. Tick.

“I heard in the private ward…35b was it, right?...I mean I heard Tiffany talking about a new patient this morning on the second floor” The small slightly high-pitched squeak of Mary broke the silence between us and made me focus on something else than the clock. We wandered to the next bed.

“I don’t know. It is not our station, but I mean, could be”

“She said he was quite rough. Got shot or something. Needed two Doctors and three nurses to get him to bed. Tiffany said he was like a wild bear” Mary sped up with every word and I could see that familiar glimmer in her eyes.  
The glimmer of a new nurse, talking about a new interesting patient. Maybe I had that glimmer once. However, it was long gone. I never got excited for new patients, I only got excited because of the work and even then, it was not a hopeful glimmer, it was more like releasing a breath I didn’t know I held until then. It meant work. It meant functioning. 

The only answer she got from me was a shrug. I didn’t really know how to comment on that, and I wasn’t really interested in the patient-gossip around the nurses. I sometimes felt bad for Mary, because she had me as a supervisor. The other nurses were better connected than me, they traded gossip and bonded over work. I had the tendency to stay out of that, but I let Mary talk anyway. For her it was new and exciting to hear about difficult patients (whether the case itself, or the person), and I didn’t want to take that away from her. 

“Did you ever have such a stubborn patient?” 

“A few”  
I didn’t look up. I didn’t go into detail. 

Tick. Tick. Tick. 

I tried to think of something else. It felt hard to breath. I smoothed out the linen.  
We finished the beds. I felt bad for Mary. I saw her disappointed look when I didn’t go into detail, but she was kind enough for not pushing the topic any further. 

“If you want, we can go down and you can ask Tiffany about her experience? I think she should be mostly free if this was the only new patient today in that section” I suggested, while I gathered the old linens into the laundry basket. I wanted to give Mary something back. She was always so kind to me and respected my short answers, so I thought talking to Tiffany would make her happy. I saw how her face lit up and gave her a small smile.  
So, we gathered the things together and I downed the old bed sheets in the laundry room on our way down to Tiffany. As I expected, Tiffany had no urgent work to do and so, they both immediately dived into a chitchat when we came around the corner. Tiffany was also around Marys age and they both seemed to get along fine. However, a part of me never really liked Tiffany. I couldn’t quite pinpoint it down; it was just a feeling I had in my gut and I normally trusted that feeling. I zoned out, while Tiffany explained everything about the new patient and just nodded to their words. This day was so dull. It hurt to be with my thoughts this whole time.

“Yes and this one time, a year ago, the other one…..oh shoot I have to look after Mr. Solomon’s bandages and if he is awake” Tiffany stopped in the middle of a story about another difficult patient when she caught sight of the clock. She started to get up, but I stopped her. This was my chance to finally work and to finally stop thinking.

“Oh no, I can do that. Just take a quick rest with Mary and finish the story. Which room is he again?” I smiled at both of them, while I offered to go.  
“Thank you Emily! The fight to get him to bed wore me a bit off. He is in room 35b and the new bandages are already there. Just call if you need help” 

“Pff it’s alright. Don’t worry” And off I was. I waved my two colleagues goodbye and made my way towards 35b. Finally.  
Finally, I could work and just stop thinking. Maybe I should have taken Mary with me, but changing a bandage wasn’t anything new to her. It only took me a minute to go to the private ward, which only consisted of two large rooms 35a and 35b. However, my steps slowed down when I neared 35b, because two, dark dressed, large men occupied the door and I could hear voices from inside the room.

“Eh fucking brough me ‘ere, Ollie. Fuck off. Get me ou’ of ‘ere, righ?” The voice was deep and rough and whoever it belonged to seemed quite angry. 

The men at the door noticed me and before they could ask me what I wanted, because they clearly were about to do, I opened my mouth and explained that I was here to change the bandages. I didn’t really care about their response and even though, I slowed down, I didn’t stop and just brushed past them through the door. The prospect of work and something else than my own head made me somehow confident.  
However, that confidence came to a halt.  
“But Sir, you lost a lot of blood and you were unconscious and…” Another male voice.

Nothing could have prepared me for the picture that met my eye when I entered the room.  
The room was larger than I remembered but almost empty. The only furniture consisted of an empty bed, a small nightstand, a chair, a white commode and at the side of the room I could see the tray with the new bandages, next to a small cabinet where we usually stored them. However, the man standing right next to the bed, half dressed, with a bandage around his Torso, caught my attention. 

The words of Mary echoed in my head: _“Like a wild bear”_.  
Even though he wasn’t the tallest man that I knew, he seemed huge, demanding the full space of the room. Every corner was filled with his gripping presence. The features of his face were partly hidden behind a messy brown beard, but that only made his hazel eyes more striking. When I met those dark eyes with my own, I gulped. I suddenly felt like prey, like a sheep, hunted by a wolf, like being trapped under a bear, staring in those big, dark, brown eyes, waiting for the strike.  
Authority and power radiated from that man in waves. It took me a second to snatch out of whatever daze I’ve fallen into, and to recognize the existence of another, younger man next to him. This one was way thinner and lankier than the bear next to him. Those hazel eyes still remained on me, before he also looked back to the man by his side, to pat him (hard) on the shoulder and gripping him.

“Eh Ollie. Tell me, why the fuck do I pay ‘hose fuckin’ arsehole’s ou’ ‘here, if they let anyone in, yeah? Fuckin’…” 

The man next to him seemed at a loss of words, looking franticly between me, the door and his companion. However, my surprise faded slowly away, and I focused on the fact that the patient (obviously the big fuzzy bear here) wasn’t in his bed anymore.

“I’m here to change your bandages Mr….” Fuck what was his name? I trailed off, thinking hard. I should’ve listened more careful to Mary and Tiffany before. It started with S and had some Os in it, that was almost everything I remembered. Mr. Sorobon? Mr. Solonon? Ah right, it was Mr. Sobolon? Or? _Shit_. 

“…Mr. Sobolon?” It sounded more like a question, than a knowing statement and in the end, it would have been probably better to just say no name, because the faces of the two men in front of me clearly told me that it wasn’t Mr. Sobolon. The lanky one looked like he wished to disappear at the spot and when I saw it right, he looked at the ceiling in what seemed like a silent prayer.  
However, the bear locked eyes with me again and I bit nervously on my lip. I saw how his features tightened and he scratched his beard with one of his big hands, letting finally go of the man next to him. 

“Eh you fuckin’ kiddin, righ’?” He crossed his board arms in front of his chest, eyeing me upside down. I gulped and closed my eyes for a second. He was just a patient. Just a patient, I repeated inside my head in hope to find my normal cool confidence again that I usually had while I worked. However, I didn’t find anything. I tried anyways.  
I sighed a bit frustrated about myself and started speaking again.  
“Look, I am sorry, Sir. You aren’t normally my patient and I forgot your name. I am here to change your bandages and I would ask you to get in bed again. Like you friend said, you were shot. You were unconscious and lost a lot of blood, so you need rest” I tried to sound professional and took a few steps towards the men, but it was quite hard speaking coherent sentences, while those eyes were focused on me. 

“Ollie you fuckin’ wait outside. Tell ‘hose idiots to ge’ to the cars and wait for me ‘there. I need a secon’ with this bird alone”  
Even though he clearly spoke to the man next to him, his eyes never left mine. I gulped. His gaze burned right through my head. I tried to hide my irritation, but I was sure as hell that he knew exactly what kind of effect he had. However, I still was a nurse and my stubbornness slowly but surely found its way back to the surface. I heard Ollie sigh and saw how he attempted to leave but I quickly made a step to the right to block his way.

“I’m sorry, but I need to insist that he” I looked to the bear “stays here. We need to make sure that the wound isn’t infected. So, if the bodyguards and you leave – don’t wait for him. He needs to stay” After I finished my speech a silence fell over us and it started to weigh me down. I gulped and avoided eye contact with the bear. However, I felt his gaze burning on me. Poor Ollie looked at me as if I just signed my own death sentence and I freaking felt like that, but at least he wasn’t leaving me alone with his friend here. 

“Ollie. Out. Now” 

The lanky man hesitated, but I saw his defeat.  
“Of course, Mr. Solomon” He looked at me, while he left and I knew that he had used the name to help me, to give me the right one. However, he emphasized the name in a really weird way, as if it should tell me something, as if it had more meaning than Mr. Sobolon to me. Maybe he was a prominent man? Maybe I should know him? Whatever. I didn’t. 

I heard the door slam shut as Ollie left and the tension of being alone with Mr. Solomon washed over me. It was completely silent. I avoided eye contact with him. Why? I didn’t know.  
My insides crumbled under the pressure of being his focus and I nervously bit my lip, while staring straight past him at the wall. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so…so small as a nurse and authority. Maybe in my first week in training? No. During that time I was determined and functioning. The silence went on and I just couldn’t bear it any longer. I sighed and rubbed a hand over my tired cheek.  
“I’m sorry, Sir” I didn’t know why, but I avoided his name “but it is for your best, and you are not the first man that thinks he knows better than the doctors, or me, and you won’t be the last one. You all think you are so tough and shit” Did I really say shit? _Shit._ “but your body needs time to heal and…” I trailed off and started to stammer when the bear in front of me started moving. Moving towards me, with calm but large steps. My eyes snapped from the wall to the nearing men and without thinking I stumbled backwards, not allowing him to get nearer to me. His dark eyes captured mine and again I felt like prey.  
“I…I ….mean….you….were shot…..and…and…the…morphine” I stammered on, while I retreated away from him, until I felt something hard hitting my back. I had reached the small cabinet on the wall and that meant I couldn’t go any further.  
Meanwhile Mr. Solomon kept going. Kept coming nearer and nearer and even when I thought he was close; he came even closer. I pressed myself against the cabinet in my back, but there wasn’t any significant space left between us. I felt the heat radiate from his body. His arms were still crossed over his torso, his shoulders were on my eye level and I refused to look up. I could feel his warm breath, could feel his whole presence. Mr. Solomon was so close, that he took up my entire field of vision.  
I gulped, smelled his presence. He smelled like cigars, a hint of disinfectant and blood, and something else I couldn’t pinpoint. Something sweet and spicy at the same time. I bit my lip and tried to restrain myself from shaking. I didn’t know why I acted like that. I didn’t know why he affected me like that. I just concentrated on breathing. My hands found the edge of the cabinet behind me and I clung to it, hoping it would steady my racing heart. This was so pathetic. I had endured way harder situations than that and I ´d never crumbled the way I did now. 

“Eh look a’ me, luv” his deep voice vibrated in his chest and he lowered his head, trying to catch my eyes. I hesitated. I looked up. His face was so close, that our nose tips almost touched. From this proximity I could see a few light amber specs in his dark, brown eyes, circling his even darker pupils. 

“Are you afraid of me, luv?” 

His deep baritone woke me up from a daze I didn’t know I’d fallen into and I pulled my eyebrows together in confusion. Afraid? I felt weird. I felt like having bees under my skin. I felt small, but I wasn’t exactly afraid. As intimidating as his presence was, I didn’t think he would actually hurt me here and now. His whole presence told me that he certainly was important, that he was powerful, not only physical, but with his whole being. I bit my lip. Thinking.  
“I-..I don’t think you’ll hurt me” I said truthfully “but I am not dumb enough to think you are harmless” I was surprised how steady my voice actually sounded and applauded in my head. So much for my confidence, or better: the illusion of it. 

“Good” He scratched his beard again with one hand. “Eh you see, I had a very bad, bad, bad day ‘oday, luv. Go’ shot and everythin’ and then I wake up in a fuckin hospital, while the’ fucker, you know ‘he one who shot me, still walks aroun’ and everythin’, eh? So, you know, I ‘ave to change that.”  
While he spoke, he didn’t move a bit. I still could smell him. I still could feel his presence right in front of me. However, I had to stifle a small chuckle, which made him stop, looking at me with a confused expression and I celebrated the moment. Finally. My confidence was coming back. Maybe?

“So, you want to go after the man that shot you, with a hole in your belly and morphine in your system? Excuse me, but that sounds pretty dumb to me. I mean, this man obviously was successful shooting you before, so why do you think you could win now?” Confidence! Yes! I tried to ignore the fact, that he basically confessed murdering someone today. It didn’t even surprise me. It just was in line with the man in front of me. I saw a small smile forming at the corner of his mouth, while he looked at me and then, without a warning he grabbed my chin with one of his big hands and leaned forward until his mouth was at the level of my ear. My heart jumped in my chest and I gulped. His touch didn’t hurt, but it was hard nevertheless, sending a shiver through my whole body and I grabbed onto the edge of the cabinet even harder. He was so close, that his beard had scratched slightly over my cheek and I felt his hot breath on my ear lobe.  
“Because’, luv: I always win in the end, and now I ‘ave my men with me.” 

I closed my eyes for a second. His smell wrapped around me and I asked myself what this sweet and spicy note was. Maybe his cologne? Strangely, I couldn’t remember the last time a man was that close to me. I didn’t know how I was even able to say anything, to form a word, or a sentence, but I did. And damn, I needed to snap out of whatever trance I fell into, because his voice stirred something inside me, and I needed to ignore that. 

“I see. So, you need help from others” My voice was only a whisper and I didn’t know where the courage to tease this bear came from. However, luckily his heavy chest only vibrated with a small chuckle. He leaned back again to look in my eyes, a small smile still at the corner of his lips.  
If anyone entered the room right now, he or she would definitely have the wrong idea about this situation. Definitely! His hand still held my chin, but I tried to look confident anyways and arched one eyebrow mockingly at him. I really didn’t know why I tried to tease him.

“Eh only a dumb an’ weak wolf would hunt withou’ his pack, an’ I’m ain’ tha’, luv.” With that he let go off me and stepped back. His touch still lingered on my chin and I could still feel his presence all over the place, but the small distance helped. I breathed, tried to steady myself and my racing thoughts, which was way easier now. Meanwhile he buttoned up his shirt and I knew that he was about to leave.  
“You still need rest” I said it and I knew it didn’t matter. My voice carried my defeat, because he just smiled again, while grabbing his waistcoat from his bed and throwing it over.  
“Eh I’m goin’ on a hunt’ now, luv.” I still didn’t move and just watched him from my place at the cabinet. I knew he wouldn’t listen and somehow this short odyssey had drained all my energy. I felt tired, while he seemed to have all the energy in the world (even with a bullet hole). After he collected his remaining things, he strode towards the door, but stopped one more time before leaving. 

“Ah an’, luv. You shoul’ save my name in your little head. Next time, I won’t take it kindly if you come up with another shit” 

And then he was gone.


	2. Concern

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,
> 
> I wanted to thank everyone for leaving a comment, kudos or bookmarks. I am so happy that you guys enjoyed the first chapter! Getting notes that someone actually likes this story always makes my days! A friend of mine created a picture for my story and I really liked it, so I added it to that chapter in the beginning!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this one!

###  Concern

This was bad. This day was bad.

I had felt it in my body for hours. Since this morning my bones ached, my stomach was a knot and I knew I had to be especially careful today. Something was coming. The past days my guard had been low. I was just so tired and today this pit in my stomach told me, that I needed to get my shit together again. Otherwise I would be vulnerable.

However, watching my own thoughts was just so hard. Being trapped in my mind was hard.

It was draining and today I felt the deep circles under my eyes even more. Today I felt this nagging, familiar feeling of despair and it grew and grew over the day. I had felt it at the start of my shift. I had felt it while I tended to the patients with Mary. I had felt it while we disinfected the instruments. Even working was hard, but I knew only through work I could escape whatever haunted me. Mary seemed to notice something, too. She had been especially kind and helpful today and I was really thankful for it. Well, truth be told, I wasn’t really surprised that even Mary had observed something, when I looked in the mirror over the sink.

I saw it in my own pale grey eyes.

The day had been busy so far, and this was the first time I had excused myself to the restroom for a small moment. However, it was also the first time, since the start of my shift, that I looked at myself. And what should I say; I looked awful. Some strands of my long hair had fallen out of the tight bun. The deep circles under my eyes stood in sharp contrast to my pale skin and even I noted that I had lost weight again. My uniform was looser than usual, and my face looked sunken in, while my cheekbones became more visible with each day. The bottom line was, that I looked unhealthy. I knew I had to change something. Anything. It wouldn’t take long until someone else at work (besides Mary) would notice how bad I was doing, and I didn’t want that.

I wasn’t weak. I wasn’t.

I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath. Today I would actually cook something when I got home. Changing my eating habits couldn’t be that hard, or? I could do that. Starting with that didn’t seem so complicated and maybe it would be enough to gain a little bit of weight again, so I would look better. Surely it seemed like a good plan. However, a soft knock on the door made me focus on something else than my miserable appearance and I quickly dried off my hands.

“I’m coming” With that I opened the door to see Mary in front of me and I immediately asked if something was wrong. Was there a problem with a patient? Luckily, nothing bad had happened and Mary just informed me, that a visitor had asked for me, he was apparently waiting in the corridor. I looked a bit confused at her, especially when she couldn’t tell me the name of the man. It had been a long time since someone had asked for me. Shortly after the war some old patients had searched for me and came to thank me, and some widows had come to ask for the last moments of their deceived ones. However, those moments had been always rare in itself and after a while their existence faded slowly away. Therefore, it took me by surprise and the tight knot in my stomach only grew.

Not today. Please not today.

It was selfish and I knew it, but I couldn’t bear one of those moments today.

I couldn’t remember. Not today. I couldn’t give comfort. Not today. Not like this.

My mouth felt dry. A part of me wanted to run away, but I didn’t. I mustered up my courage and went into the corridor, only to be hit by relief. It wasn’t a widow and it wasn’t a soldier I had tended to in the past. I immediately recognized the tall, lanky sidekick of Mr. Solomon. Ollie was his name. He was dressed in a dark, slightly dusty suit and his shirt wasn’t completely buttoned up. I had to hide a small smile, thinking about Mary, who had been clearly shocked about the loose clothing of this man. However, Ollie seemed stressed and when he noticed me, he jogged hectically towards me. After the first wave of relief faded away, I found myself confused again. What could Ollie possibly want from me? I didn’t know this man at all. It had been almost two weeks since Mr. Solomon had left the hospital and I had thought I would never see him, or Ollie again in my life. I didn’t even know Ollies full name. It would be a lie to say, that I hadn’t thought about the big bear sometimes. I had thought about him a lot. Actually, I had thought about him too much for my liking and I had been relieved to notice that the bear slowly but surely faded into the back of my head. However, the fading had stopped abruptly.

“Miss Colton? Good you are here! I need to talk to you. It’s about Mr. Solomon” Ollie looked so restless and worried, that it immediately affected me. His breathing was fast, as if he had run a marathon and he looked extremely nervous. I didn’t even ask myself how he knew my name, because his jumpy appearance consumed every other thought. What had happened? Did Mr. Solomon got shot again? Was he in the private ward right now, making a fuss about hospitals and hunts, like he did the last time?

“Okay. What happened?” My voice was steady, and I looked reassuring at the man in front of me.

“I think A-Alf- I mean, Mr. Solomons wound got infected or something. He is sick and I tried to get him to a doctor but he won’t budge….he….he doesn’t know I’m here” Ollies words were short breathed and filled with an urgent desperation. “I even brought him a doctor, but….well…he wasn’t happy and that idiot of doctor got scared” Ollie fiddled frantically in his jacket for a small pocket watch to check the time and sighed.

“See, I don’t have much time, because he waits for me back at work. But I don’t know what to do and: Miss Colton, I am really worried about him. I wouldn’t be here if not. I passed the hospital and just thought that I could ask you to take a look at him? I’m out of ideas what to do and I know you are not a doctor, but I don’t really care about that and…” I interrupted Ollies rambling by placing one hand on his arm.

“My shift ends in an hour. If you give me the address, I’ll come directly after work”

Ollies face lit up with a relieved smile. I saw that he was in a hurry, so we discussed time and place quickly. I also told him, that I wouldn’t be able to take any supplies from the hospital, because that was basically stealing, and I could lose my job for it. But he said I shouldn’t worry about it; he would get everything I needed. So, I wrote Ollie a short list of materials like a specific kind of disinfectant, bandages, something to stich things up again and so on, while he wrote down the address. Before he left, he took my hand in both of his and smiled at me with a relieved expression on his face.

“Thank you so much Miss Colton. Really” And with that he said his goodbyes and basically ran down the corridor, out of the hospital and back to his boss. I looked after him for a second before I dropped my gaze onto the small note in my hand with the address. Camden Town. Interesting.

The last hour of my shift passed in a surprisingly fast rush. I saw Marys curious glance as we changed out of our uniforms and into our normal clothes in the locker room. She hadn’t asked about Ollie, but I knew it burned on her tongue. However, I didn’t tell anyone about it, because I just figured that Ollie wouldn’t want me to. He could have asked for an official appointment, but he didn’t, and I was sure that he did it for another reason than the fact that Mr. Solomon didn’t seem to fond of the hospital, nor doctors in general. Therefor I didn’t explain Ollies appearance to anyone and rushed out of the hospital onto the street.

The sun was already setting, and London was dipped in a vanishing twilight. Summer had already left, and the cold autumn wind made me shiver slightly. I buried myself deeper in the large coat and decided to walk to Camden Town. It wasn’t that far, and I hoped that the cold air would clear my mind a bit. I thought walking would loosen up the tight knot in my stomach. However, it didn’t. On my way a small voice inside my head asked itself what I was doing. Why had I agreed to look after Mr. Solomon, when he obviously was to stubborn to go to a doctor? What made me think, that I could help in the first place? Had I gone mad? I tried to bite down these doubts, because the bottom line was, that a patient needed help, even if he, Mr. Solomon himself, couldn’t see it. Ollies worried face appeared in my head again, and as he had said himself: He had asked me, because he was desperate. So, it needed to be bad.

It didn’t take long to arrive at the address I got from Ollie. Actually, I was surprised how fast I reached it. Ollie had told me, to walk to the side entrance. He would come and pick me up. However, the size of the actual building, left me astonished. At first it didn’t seem that large. I saw a little bakery shop in the front, but when I kept walking around the building it was huge. Furthermore, it was still busy. A lot of men ran around, carrying barrels and different things. I heard some sort of machines inside the building, men shouting orders and talking.

My fast steps slowed down when a few men started to notice me. They didn’t look very friendly and I bit my lip nervously. What had I gotten myself into? This was clearly a street a young woman should avoid in the evening. Well, at least that is what my brothers would tell me, if they were able to see me now. I wrapped the coat tighter around me and looked around, hoping to see Ollie. I didn’t. In the end I came to a hold, not far away from a big entrance door at the side of the building. As soon as I stopped in my tracks, one of the huge men that seemed to guard the doors, wanted to approach me. I straightened my back and tried to look confident. However, I wasn’t. My thoughts rushed to find an explanation why I was here. I wasn’t sure if Ollie had informed anyone of my appearance. If not, I would simply ask for him? Would they go and fetch Ollie, or would they send me directly away?

But before the man could reach me, Ollie came out of the big door just in time. He still seemed in a rush and he looked as tired as I felt. A small smile appeared on his face when he noticed me, and I smiled back. He talked to the guard and said something to them, which I couldn’t understand over the loud, working noises that came from the factory. In the end he waved me over to him and I slowly approached, still unsure about the whole situation.

“I’m really glad you’re here Miss Colton and I got everything on the list” He held the door open for me and with one last look behind me, down the street, I stepped in. Ollie followed right after me and then led the way. First, I got hit by a wave of unusual warm air and then I noticed that the inside of the factory seemed even larger. I opened slowly my coat and got out of it, while we walked deeper into the building. Barrels, on top of Barrels filled every corner and I glanced curious around me. It was dim, even dark and I asked myself what other stuff was hidden in the darkest corners. The air around me smelled a bit stuffy, but there was also something else. Something different. Something sweet and spicy.

Something in the back of my head scratched my consciousness and wanted to tell me what this smell was, where I knew it from, but the feeling was too vague to pinpoint it down. The stuffy air, the dim light and the loud noises around me made me even more uncomfortable and the tight knot in my stomach grew even bigger. A voice in my head told me, that I shouldn’t be here, that this wasn’t a place for a woman, but I ignored it. It was too late to backpedal.

“Alf-….I mean Mr. Solomon is in a bad mood today and I haven’t told him about you…” Ollies words were still rushed, just like his whole appearance. I didn’t answer him, because I wasn’t sure what he wanted to hear. No matter how Mr. Solomon would react, I was here for a reason and I wouldn’t leave until I got a look at his wound. I was a nurse. He was a patient. It was easy. And I wouldn’t get intimidated like the last time. At least that is what I told myself. We walked deeper in the building until we got closer to a small office door. Next to the door was a small desk and Ollie fished out a large bag from under the table.

“Here is everything you wrote on the list. I hid it….Maybe it is better to let me in first…” I didn’t let Ollie finish and mustered up all my courage before I passed him and knocked on the closed door myself. I wasn’t a child and Mr. Solomon would have to deal with my presence. A small part of me wanted to run away, but I didn’t. This time I would stand my ground in front of Mr. Solomon. From the corner of my eye I saw Ollies pale face and I gulped but tried to hide my tension. This day had been bad all along, what could possibly happen now? I gave myself a small pep-talk inside my head and reminded myself of my strengths. However, when the sound of Mr. Solomon’s grunted voice was heard, my stomach dropped.

“Eh fuck off”

Had his voice been always so deep? I shuddered and I saw how Ollie tried to get in front of me, to open the door himself, but I didn’t let him. I took a deep breath and opened the door, walking inside the office with one swift motion. I wasn’t a coward.

The office itself wasn’t that big. To the left stood a small couch, the walls were filled with shelves and cabinets and from the corner of my eye I saw a small folding, improvised military bed. However, the room was dominated by a large oak desk to my right, or rather by the man sitting behind it. Mr. Solomon still had the same radiant aura of importance and power circling around him, which filled the whole room. As soon as my eyes met his dark orbs, all my courage vanished, and I felt as small as ever.

There was a silence after my entrance that stretched through the whole room. A small part of me noticed, that Ollie had stepped inside the office as well, but he also kept quiet. However, most of my attention was focused on the man behind the desk. It was evident that Mr. Solomon was sick. He was pale and had deep, dark circles under his eyes. His figure seemed a bit thinner and I could see that his forehead was wet with sweat, probably because of a fever. The sleeves of his white shirt were rolled up and exposed the skin of his forearms, while his vest was completely unbuttoned. He didn’t move and was still slightly crouched over some papers on the desk, small glasses on his long nose, his eyes flickered for a second to Ollie, before returning to my figure.

“Wha’ the fuck you want here?” His voice was calm. Measuring, but I noted how his body tensed. With one hand he slowly took the glasses from his nose, which dangled from a chain around his neck. For a second, my eyes stared at his big hands, which were decorated with several big gold rings. I gulped. Why did he have such big hands and why the heck was it attractive that he wore so many rings? Attractive? What the fuck. Had I gone mad? I tried to clear my head. Professional. I needed to be professional. 

I was sure that Mr. Solomon was intelligent enough to know why I was here with Ollie. I granted him that. However, I knew he waited for an answer, so I gave him the obvious one.

“I’m here to look at your wound” I took a step closer to the desk. Closer to him. We stared at each other. I wouldn’t budge. I wouldn’t.

“Eh you brough’ her here, Ollie?” I saw something like anger flare up in Mr. Solomon eyes and his voice kept hardening with every word. His gaze remained on my figure, before he focused on the poor boy next to me. I swallowed hard. But I had expected him to react like that.

“Yes, Sir. You need someone to look at the wound and-…” Ollies voice was low, and I heard his concern, but he didn’t seem used to going against his bosses will. However, Mr. Solomon didn’t let him finish.

“Eh you know what I fuckin’ need? I fuckin’ need you to do your fuckin’ job” The voice of Mr. Solomon rose in anger and he started to gesture wildly in the air with his hands. “And what is your fuckin’ job, eh?” He stared Ollie down and I saw how intimidated Ollie was. He looked down at his shoes, clutching the bag with the medical utensils in his hand.

“To do what you tell me to do” Ollies answer was only a whisper.

“So why the fuck is ‘this bird ‘ere?” Mr. Solomon pointed at me, while he ramped on. “Can’t fuckin’ remember to ask you to do ‘hat. You’re a fuckin’ idiot”

He leaned on his table with his hands and got slowly up, rose to his full height and that made it even worse. He got even more intimidating. I didn’t even know that this was possible. However, I would never know why or how I got my bravery back, but I intervened. Clearly, Ollie was only worried about him and that wasn’t a bad thing. Moreover, it seemed like his worries had a legit reason, because I could see a dark shadow under his shirt where his wound was. It was clear as daylight, that the wound got infected, or at least didn’t heal right, even from here. And Ollie didn’t deserve to be yelled at, for trying to help. Therefor, I sighed and threw my coat more or less on a chair in front of the desk, while I rolled the sleeves of my blouse up.

“Ollie. Please get two separated buckets of clean water. I’ll talk to him” I gave Ollie a reassuring smile and both men looked at me like I had gone mad. Well, Mr. Solomon looked really furious, but I told myself that I could handle him. Or at least I would try. I saw how Ollie hesitated, but with one last glance towards Mr. Solomon he put down the bag and fled the office.

Mr. Solomon made a quick motion to get after him (or whatever), but his body twitched in pain and he put a hand over his wound. His eyes met mine again and I gulped, suddenly aware that I was alone with this bear once more. However, I didn’t know whether it was to see him in pain, or just my instinct as a nurse, but I stepped around the desk, closer to Mr. Solomon and made attempts to take his hand off his wound, so that I could lift his shirt and look at it, but he caught my wrist with his other hand before I could touch him. His hard grip surprised me and send a shiver through my body, so I looked up again, straight in his dark, brown eyes. He didn’t say anything, but I saw anger, pain and something else in his eyes. Something darker. In that moment he reminded me of a wounded animal, that didn’t trust any human to help him, licking its wounds by itself. I wanted to help him.

“Mr. Solomon, the last time you saw me, you told me that you are neither dumb, nor weak. So, let me help you” My voice was low, and I looked straight in his dark eyes while talking. I wouldn’t budge this time. He needed help. We both knew that he was in pain and we both knew that I could probably help a little bit. Maybe I could make it better, maybe not, but just refusing any assistance was dumb and I was sure as hell that he knew that.

His grip around my wrist tightened and he stepped even closer towards me, invading my personal space. His dark eyes hid something, that I couldn’t identify. I felt his warm breath on my face and the heat radiating from his body. Being so close to him made me swallow hard. However, from this proximity it was even more evident that Mr. Solomon wasn’t in a good state. I was pretty sure by now, that he had a fever by just looking at him. He really needed help and I totally understood Ollies concern. I wouldn’t budge. Not this time. So, I stared right back at him, not breaking eye contact.

“Please let me help you” It was only a whisper and I hoped he would hear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it is not that much Alfie in this chapter and I apologize for it, but the next chapter is already in the making and it is filled with our favorite baker! :)


	3. Blood and Mud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> I wanted to thank you guys again for all the comments and kudos and bookmarks! I am really really happy that you enjoy the story so far. I worked a lot on that chapter, because this one is really important to me, so I hope you like it as well! Let me know what you think in the comments! :)

### Blood and Mud

In the end Mr. Solomon gave in, because he wasn’t dumb. He was intelligent enough to know, that stubbornness could only get you so far. And most men weren’t able to see that. However, how or what exactly guided his decision was still a mystery to me, but I didn’t question the look in his eyes when he finally stopped resisting me. He even agreed to lay down on the military bed, so it would be easier for me to look at his wound.

“Eh fuckin hell alright I lay down” Well, this were his exact words. Like a true gentleman.

He let go of my wrist and started to unbutton his shirt. Still grunting. Still angry and exhausted. Victory brought a small smile on my lips and I went to inspect and unpack the bag Ollie had previously left in the office. I kneeled down next to the small military bed and placed everything I thought I needed onto a clean small linen on the ground, while starting to disinfect my hands and underarms. Meanwhile Mr. Solomon got out of his shirt and I looked up to him. Without his shirt his whole appearance seemed even more dangerous and rough. His chest was specked with little Tattoos and scars. His wound was located on the right side of his belly and it was still covered by a bandage. However, this bandage looked really worn and dirty. It was soaked with dried blood and my eyes widened when I noticed something else. The bandage was closed at the side of his Torso in a really specific way. In the way the nurses from my hospital had learned it, because our supervisor had invented it that way. The way Tiffany would lace it up.

“Is this still the bandage from the hospital?” I blurted out in shock. Had he really never changed his bandage? What the hell was he thinking? He only shrugged as a reply, clearly trying to avoid the obvious answer. And here I was, thinking this man was intelligent. I sighed. Sometimes men were just idiots. Idiots. It was a miracle that he hadn’t died from a sepsis.

“Well, I’ll take it off in a second” My instincts told me that it would probably better to cut it off, because there was the chance that the material had actually grown together with his wound. Therefor I reached for the scissors next to me, but when my eyes met Mr. Solomons figure again I jumped up in shock. He took a deep breath and then just ripped his bandage off with a loud, painful grunt. I tried to stop him, tried to get to him in time but when I reached him, he only stumbled against me, putting some of his weight onto my body and fresh blood was flooding from his belly wound.

“Are you fucking mad?” I almost screamed. Had this man a death wish? Instinctively one hand of mine found the freshly open wound to put pressure on it. He grunted again, putting one arm around my shoulder to support himself. The feeling of his warm blood wasn’t really bothering me, because I was focused on balancing this huge bear. He was heavy. Really heavy and what should I say? I wasn’t. My legs were weak, and I struggled holding him up. He only chuckled as an answer. Chuckled. He clearly was delirious, or?

“Eh madness is the key to intelligence luv” His body vibrated slightly from his snicker, and his voice was cracked and even darker than before. Well, and I was annoyed. This wasn’t the time for some intelligent wit or shit.

“Shut it you idiot” I mumbled under my breath, hoping he wouldn’t here it. Luckily, Ollie came back just in time with the two water buckets and seeing the scene he immediately came to help me with this huge bear of a man. Together we hauled him onto the bed, and I replaced my hand on his wound with one fresh linen from the bag next to me while kneeling next to him. My hands and my clothes were already full of blood and Ollie asked shocked what had happened. It looked like a massacre.

“Well, your boss is a fucking idiot” I explained to Ollie, while the linen on the wound got soaked with blood. Abdomen or stomach wounds were always more troubling than a lot of people thought, because most of the time they just bled like hell.

“Eh I still can fuckin’ here ya luv” The deep baritone of Mr. Solomon was still cracked, but nevertheless powerful. He had his eyes closed, grunting in pain.

“Good” was everything I said about that. I saw Ollies eyes flicker between Mr. Solomon and me, but he said nothing, deciding to stay out of it. He just offered help, so I gave him something to do, while I tried to stop the bleeding. 

Fortunately, the bleeding decreased, and I saw that some strands of the bandage still contaminated the wound. All in all, it really did look bad. The edge of the wound was dark purple, and it was obvious how infected it was.

I tried to blank out the knot in my stomach, the sounds of the factory around me and dived into work. This was the only thing I was good at. This was the only thing that gave me purpose.

Diving into work was the only easy thing I had left and so I dived. Far away. Focusing on the task at hand. I had cleaned so many gun wounds in my life that I stopped counting. It was almost a routine wok. However, I stopped thinking. I stopped being _careful_ and just fell into the familiar feeling of stitching up a _soldier_. And so, I did. I cleaned out the wound, only hearing the groans of pain from a distance, focusing my whole energy on fixing him properly up again.

Stopping the blood flow.

Cleaning the wound.

Taking another fresh linen.

Throwing the bloody ones in a basket.

Taking a needle. Starting to puncture the skin. Pulling the edges of the wound together. 

I didn’t realize when something shifted inside me, when reality started blurring, because I just did what I had to do.

Helping a soldier.

Cleaning a wound. Not thinking. Just functioning.

The gloomy light of the room shifted. The sounds of the factory around us _changed_.

I gulped, concentrated on helping this man. Just another man that had come back wounded from No Men’s land, like so many others around us. I smelled the forest, the mushy rainy air from outside. Mud. There was mud everywhere and we tried our best to keep everything clean. I heard the groans from the other soldiers in the hut behind me. Billie, who wasn’t older than me and lost his eyesight due to poisoned gas, trapped in his own darkness, screaming from memories, pain and terror. Jerry, who’s breathing finally had slowed down after we had amputated his right leg, without a proper pain treatment.

I _heard_ crying. Someone cried for their mother.

Hundreds of other men, waiting for help, waiting for something else. Stop the bleeding. Clean the wound. Stitch them up. Hope it’s not your brother that got taken away to the sack of corpses. So many got hurt. So many died and even more never came back from the mud, forgotten between the barbed wire of some illusionist borders. Others that got fished out of the mud, only to get buried in it after we realized that help had come far too late for those lost souls.

I _heard_ the rattling of the front, not far away. They came nearer and every day, every minute, every second more men died, cried and broke. Broke into thousand pieces and the only thing I could do, was stitching their bodies back together. Stop the bleeding. Clean the wound. Stitch them up. Not thinking. Hoping my brothers would be okay. Not thinking. Stop thinking. Functioning.

Stop the bleeding. Clean the wound. Stitch them up again, hoping they would made it. Ease the pain as far as we could. Not getting stuck in the mud. 

I knew nurse Ruth would come eventually, asking me to finish up and help her outside. New men already waited in the courtyard, piled next to each other and divided into those we could help, those who would leave this earth no matter what and those who had already said their goodbyes.

I heard a male voice from far far away. Maybe from outside the hut? Maybe Ruth had sent a soldier to get me. I had to finish up the wound. Stop the bleeding. Clean the wound. Stitch them up again. I didn’t look up. I heard it again, but it sounded weird. Cloudy. Maybe I needed a break but there was no time for it. Those men had no time. We had no time. I gulped. I couldn’t understand what this voice was saying, and my consciousness was held by the task at hand.

Stop the bleeding. Clean the wound. Stitch them up again.

I was almost finished. I had trouble breathing.

“Don’t worry Nurse Ruth. I am almost finished. I get outside in a second” Whoever was speaking to me should know that I still was able to work and function. Of course, I would help as far as I could. My hands were already drenched in blood of so many soldiers. I was used to it. I would just finish up in hut three and then clean my hands, go outside and get to the next one. And the next. And the next.

Stop the bleeding. Clean the wound. Stitch them up again.

Doing what I had to do. The blood rushed through my veins, through my ears. My heartbeat was fast. Faster. I was too slow. How many died while I was occupied with this wound? I needed to finish up. My hands were still steady, working in their routine way. This was the only thing I was good at. Stop the bleeding. Clean the wound. Stitch them up again.

I heard my name.

Miss Colton.

I didn’t look up.

Miss Colton.

I finished the stitch, cutting the end of the thread.

Emily.

Emily Colton.

I looked up.

My consciousness fell back. Hard. Memory and reality collided, and I was lost. Where was I? Wasn’t I in hut 3? I gazed into a face of a young man next to me. He looked worried back. Why was he worried about a nurse and not his fellow soldier? I wasn’t the one wounded.

It cracked. My thoughts cracked.

The knot in my stomach exploded. My throat tightened up. My hands started shaking. This wasn’t hut 3. Slowly but surely my consciousness came back, and I understood. I had done it _again_. I still smelled the mushy air. The mud. The blood. I still felt it in my neck, the screams of a thousand wounded men. But I wasn’t there. I wasn’t. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t. My eyes fell onto the wounded man on the bed in front of me. His dark eyes were fixated on my figure. This wasn’t a soldier. This wasn’t hut 3. Silence fell over the room and it rang in my ears. I couldn’t breathe. There wasn’t any air in my lungs. Clearly, they waited for me to say something. I needed to say something. I shook. My whole body shook. My hands were still bloody.

“I-…” My voice cracked; my throat burned. I didn’t get any air. The only thing I could think of, was the fact that I needed to get out of here. I needed to get out. To breathe.

“Excuse me” It was only a cracked whisper. I let the needle and the scissor fall onto the ground and got up. Everything turned, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to get away. From this feeling, this smell of mud and blood. Away from myself. Away from my unconsciousness and away from my memories. I fled out of the office before anyone could stop me. My sight was blurred by tears. I hadn’t realized that I was crying. I didn’t know if anyone saw me, stumbling fast away, hoping to find the door. To get out. The dim light, the dull sounds of the factory, it didn’t help. It made it worse.

I started running. I needed to get out of here. I needed air. It felt like 100 hears had passed, but I found a door and I just crashed through it, breathing the fresh, cold air of London. I stepped outside the factory, onto a dark side alley. My whole body was shaking. I tried to inhale deeply, but the air wouldn’t come. I couldn’t breathe.

I cried. I sobbed.

I tried to hold myself up on the cold brick wall next to me. I knew that I had a panic attack. However, this knowledge didn’t help. I still couldn’t control it. Instead I felt like suffocating. Suffocating on my own memories. I looked down and saw my bloody hands, my bloody clothes. Blurred from tears. I placed my hands flat on the cold brick wall, hoping this sensation would somehow ground me. In my head I started to count to 10 and breathe. Just breathe. But it was impossible. I needed to get my shit together. This was pathetic. I felt like a pile of pain and when I closed my eyes for a second it got even worse. I saw so many men, so many faces and so much blood and mud. The ball in my throat grew and I wanted to scream, but not a sound came from my lips.

My brain tricked me. It thought that I still had mud under my fingernails from the earth in France. The knot in my stomach tightened again. I could still smell it. The blood, the pain, the mud. It had burned itself in my brain. I would never loose it. Never. I tried to stop shaking. I pressed my whole body onto the wall, resting my forehead on its cold bricks. So many times, I had heard the saying _‘Mind over body’_ but what could one do, when the mind was weak?

I didn’t know how long I actually stood there when someone opened the door. I heard it behind me, but I didn’t react, concentrating on the feeling of the cold bricks. This wasn’t wood. This wasn’t a wood hut. I wasn’t there. This wasn’t hut 3. However, when I felt a hand on my shoulder I winced in surprise. My head snapped to the side, looking behind me, directly into the dark brown orbs of Mr. Solomon. I immediately averted my gaze. His presence started to scratch on my consciousness and flooded it. His face was scrunched into a serious look. His torso was only half clothed by his shirt, which was buttoned up wrong. I slowly turned around, not looking at him. I felt weak. So weak and ashamed. My brain tried to come up with anything to say. But I didn’t know what. I had nothing to defend myself. I was just weak, and I was deeply, truly ashamed about the fact, that Mr. Solomon had seen my biggest _flaw_. I gulped.

“Eh luv. Look at me” His dark voice shook something inside me, and he took my face in both of his big hands, forcing me to look up. My sight got blurred again by tears. He lowered his head a bit, starring straight in my eyes. I waited to see the pity in his dark orbs, but I couldn’t identify his expression.

“I am sorry” I whispered. I breathed. I felt so broken in that moment. I was so ashamed of myself; I really didn’t know what to say and if that wasn’t enough, I still felt the mud and blood under my fingernails, the smell of the forest in France and the weight of so many lost men. I wanted to scream.

“What’s my name?” he asked. His question confused me and made me snap out of my thoughts again.

“Mr. Solomon” Once more, only a whisper from me.

“An’ who are you?” His voice demanded an answer. I didn’t know why he was asking me that, but I answered him, without thinking.

“Emily Colton” I felt a tear rolling down my cheek and Mr. Solomons thumb brushed it away. The rings on his fingers felt cold on my heated skin and it grounded me, helped me.

“Eh righ’ an’ where are we?” His eyes were piercing, and I gulped. I was too tired to ask myself what sense those questions should have. I concentrated the rest of my energy on him.

“London” I murmured powerless. I felt so tired. All my energy had left my body and my soul in that moment. London. Of course, I was in London. I wasn’t in France. I wasn’t in hut 3. All this was behind me, only a memory that sometimes tried to sneak into reality again.

“Righ’. An’ you are basically under my roof, luv. So, don’ run away in your little pretty head again. You fuckin’ understand me? Yeah, because luv, I don’ really like being ignored, yeah. So don’ fuckin’ do tha’ again” His voice was hard. Striking. And the grip on my face tightened slightly, while he spoke but at the end, he had a small, reassuring smile on his lips and I didn’t know how or why, but I smiled back defeated. It was only little, but I smiled for the fraction of a second. He brushed away another tear on my cheek. And then suddenly it came to me. His wound. He needed to lie down.

“Your wound! You need to lie down Mr. Solomon” I tried to look down, freeing myself from his hands, but he wouldn’t let go. I really hoped the stitching of the wound hadn’t opened again. Why did he get up? Well, the answer was obvious: Because I was a wreck. If it had ripped, it was clearly my fault. 

“Eh fuck tha’ I need a drink” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you say?


	4. Certainly not weak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> Again thank you all so much for the lovely comments, kudos and bookmarks! Honestly your comments are the highlight of my day. I'm going through a hard time in the moment (like many others in 2020), and your nice words about my writing mean a lot to me! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter!

### Certainly not weak

I sat down in Mr. Solomons office in a small chair in front of his desk. Defeated.

I still felt tired and empty. So empty.

Nevertheless, I felt a bit better. At least I knew where I was. After those minutes in the side alley, that had felt like a lifetime, Mr. Solomon had brought me back to his office. Back here I had trouble identifying his expression. I waited to see something like pity, annoyance or the usual look women got from men when we let our weaknesses slip, but I couldn’t find anything like that in Mr. Solomons dark, brown eyes. His face was closed up, serious as always. It had cost me a little fight with Ollie to bandage Mr. Solomons wound up, because the lanky side kick had looked with concern at me, afraid I would slip away again. However, I won that encounter, mainly because he seemed too uneasy to argue with me under Mr. Solomons serious gaze. After that Mr. Solomon had sent Ollie away to get something and I found myself alone with this bear of a man again. He buttoned up his shirt and walked back to his chair behind his big wooden desk.

“You have to change the bandage, at least twice a day in the first few days. I also applied an antiseptic and you should reapply it every time you change the bandage. Otherwise the wound will get infected again” My voice was still weak and a part of me hated myself for it. I didn’t want to look like this in front of Mr. Solomon. In front of anyone.

I wasn’t weak. I wasn’t.

However, right now I felt like a hundred years old. I just wanted to go home, wash up and sleep. Mr. Solomon just grunted as an answer. He sat down and scratched his beard, looking onto the documents on his desk, before he opened a side drawer, mumbling to himself, while he searched for something. I fiddled nervously with my hands in my lap, feeling like there was still blood, even though I had already washed them.

“Eh rum….” He looked at me for a second “No' this time….eh whiskey it is” He got a bottle out, filled with hazel liquid and two glasses, placing one of it in front of me and before I could intervene he poured some of the liquid in the glasses. However, he seemed to notice my concern and arched an eyebrow.

“You don’ like whiskey?” His dark voice made me shiver slightly. I didn’t know why.

I hesitated and bit my lip. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to drink right now, because I was afraid to slip again. There was still mud and blood on my hands. I needed to be careful, but I was so tired and a part of me didn’t care about myself in that moment. However, I was sure that Mr. Solomon shouldn’t drink. His body fought with an infection; I had just stitched him up. He needed rest, water and something to eat, but not alcohol.

“I like whiskey, but I am not sure if it is a good idea for you to drink right now, with the wound and the infection. Your body needs rest” I voiced my thoughts, knowing already that he wouldn’t care. And he didn’t.

“Luv, you look like death an’ I fuckin feel like it, so le’ me have my fuckin drink.” He gesticulated with one hand back and forth between us and grabbed his glass, toasting towards me. I hesitated, but in the end, I took my glass. It felt cold and heavy in my hands, and without thinking I closed my eyes and gulped down the entire liquid in it. It burned my throat and I tried to stifle a cough. It tasted like oak, caramel and white pepper. There was immediately a warm feeling in my belly, that eased the knot in myself a bit, but I was still tired and still defeated. I wanted to go home. I wanted to sleep.

I kept the glass in my hands and my eyes fixated on it for a second. Grabbing onto something felt good in that moment. I wiped off my lips with one of my hands and looked up and caught Mr. Solomons eyes. He starred at me, with a small grin on his lips, that slowly faded away again. His eyes were dark in the half-illuminated office and I still couldn’t read the expression in them. There was silence between us. He leaned back in his chair without breaking eye contact, rotating his glass in one of his big hands. His gaze was measuring, and his face became serious again. I didn’t know what to say or do, so I just sat nervously under his gaze, holding onto the glass in my hands. He scratched his beard with one hand. It seemed to be a habit of his and my eyes wandered to his hand, following its movement. My thoughts trailed off, remembering how he grabbed my face in the side alley, how his hands had felt on my heated cheeks. However, I tried to snap out of this daze by setting the empty glass back on the table. I averted my gaze. It was necessary for me to go home. I was tired. I wanted to sleep.

“I..I hope you feel a bit better. If it is okay, I’ll go home now” With that I stood up, grabbed my coat and put it on, but his dark voice made me stop in my motions.

“Eh it’s fuckin not. Sit down, luv” He pointed at my seat, while his piercing gaze was fixated on my figure. I pulled my eyebrows together in confusion and opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came. I didn’t really know what to say. A part of me wanted to argue. What was he thinking? I could go whenever I wanted to. He wasn’t my boss or anything. However, another, bigger part of me, was just tired and confused and even though I hesitated, I slowly sat down again. I looked at him with a puzzled expression, while he starred back. His expression left me clueless and I wondered why I had trouble interpreting this man. Again, silence fell between us. It wasn’t tense or gripping, it was awaiting.

Measuring. I knew he observed me with his gaze and I was sure that he saw right through me, because I was just too tired to play hide and seek in that moment. So, I waited, for whatever he wanted to say. Meanwhile my eyes darted away from Mr. Solomon, down to my hands. I was so tired.

“See yu hav’ to explain somethin to me, luv” He spoke slowly, calculating every word. I didn’t look up. I knew what he wanted to know. He wanted to hear why I had acted like that in the side alley, why I had lost it and how someone like this could possibly be a nurse.

I wasn’t weak. I wasn’t….

“Why are yu ashamed of yurself?” he asked with a voice as deep, as the question itself. I looked up. Confused. Wasn’t it obvious why I felt ashamed about the fact that he had encountered my biggest weakness? That a man had actually seen how troubled I sometimes was with my own mind.

“Isn’t it obvious?” My voice was only a whisper and I hated myself for it. I wanted to appear strong and as independent as a woman could be, but I failed miserably.

“No’ to me, luv” His dark, brown orbs burned their way through my eyes, directly inside my head. I didn’t believe him. It couldn’t be. He clearly tried to be polite. There was no other explanation for it. Or?

I gulped, bit my lip and looked back at my hands in my lap, that fiddled nervously with the fabric of my coat. The feeling of Mr. Solomons gaze on me persisted.

“Many reasons” was my tired answer. There were so many different replies to his question, and they were all so obvious, that it seemed childish to explain them. I glimpsed up for a second and saw that Mr. Solomon still looked at me. Waiting. I knew he wanted an answer, and I knew I was too tired to fight or hide, because what point would it have? He had already seen me at one of my worst moments and there was no escape from it. His whole presence told me, that he demanded an answer, he just gave me the time to find the words.

I sighed defeated and rubbed my tired face with one hand. If he wanted an answer, he would get one and hopefully I could leave afterwards. However, I chose every word carefully.

“First, I saw what war did to good man and however bad my experiences were, they aren’t comparable to what men saw, did and endured. I’m sure you know what I mean. I have no right to act like I acted before and I am sorry for that.” I paused for a second and thought about my words and the next point I wanted to make.

Whatever he would say in the end, I knew I was right. War had been terrible for all, but I had seen how many good, strong men broke, not because of their physical wounds, but because of their minds. Those experiences haunted the soul and I had never killed someone to survive, I had never walked through the mud and shot another boy, or watched my comrade explode from a bomb that had been dropped. I had seen the terror in their eyes, while I had tended to them and I would never forget those looks. However bad my experiences were, I had no right to feel sorry for myself, or to get compassion from someone. I didn’t deserve that. Mr. Solomon stayed quiet and gave me the time I needed to search for the right words.

“I know my experiences are not comparable to what men endured during the war. I really know that. But my second point is: This is a men’s world. When we see a former soldier, or doctor struggle, we feel compassion and think about how strong he had probably been during war and the terrible things war had brought to that man. And I totally understand that, don’t get me wrong.” I looked up for a second, calculating the next words in my head before I started to speak again.

“But when they see a woman struggle it is different. At the beginning of the war the British Medical Military services were hesitant to recruit female nurses, because they thought we wouldn’t be able to cope with the experiences, due to our weak female minds. If they see me like you did, they think I am weak. They don’t say it is because of the service I did or the things I saw, they just attribute it to my weak gender and maybe they are right, or maybe they are wrong, but I refuse to let them decide.”

I didn’t look away. My eyes met Mr. Solomons and I was proud about the fact that my voice had become steadier again. If men saw my weak moments, they would think they were right, so I tried to hide it and normally I was really good in that. However, sometimes I slipped and then I felt ashamed, because usually after that weakness was all they ever saw. I didn’t know if he understood what I meant. After all, he was just another man, but something in his dark gaze told me that he seemed to get what I wanted to say.

I wasn’t weak. I wasn’t. And I would be damned to let anyone else decide that but me.

“I am not weak. Maybe I have weak moments, but I am not weak.” With that I ended my explanation. I didn’t exactly know why but explaining myself helped me to find a bit of my strength again. Mr. Solomons scratched his beard, not breaking eye contact. His gaze was serious, and I saw something in his dark eyes, what I thought I recognized. In the end, he muttered something to himself, that sounded like another language and I couldn’t comprehend the words.

“zikher nisht shvakh” _(זיכער נישט שוואַך)_

We looked at each other in silence after that. He seemed to be in thoughts, and I had nothing left to say. In that moment I felt something like calmness rush through my body, because even though Mr. Solomons didn’t say anything (at least nothing I understood), I felt like he understood my reasoning and it was refreshing, that he didn’t argue about it. He just accepted the explanation. If he agreed, I didn’t know but honestly, I didn’t care either.

However, I was ripped out of my thoughts when he suddenly clapped his hands together and leaned forward again. His sudden movement surprised me so much, that I almost jumped from my chair, again totally astonished about the behaviour of this man.

“Yeah righ’. So, thank you for the explanation.” He started to gesticulate with his hands in a thanking manner towards me and I didn’t know why, but I had to smile a bit amused. Something about his appearance was in a weird way adorable in that moment. Mr. Solomons then looked down and fiddled something out of his pockets, which I identified as money.

“Yeah an’ of course you ge’ something for yur time and for eh” he gestured towards his belly “for this. An’ I told Ollie to ge’ some bread for yu, yeah, because you clearly need to fuckin’ eat more” he looked me up and down and waved his hand toward my figure “Eh…I mean yu know wha’ I mean”

He was serious, but nevertheless I had to stifle a small chuckle, trying to hide it behind my hand, biting my lip in amusement. Yes, I knew what he meant. The world knew what he meant. I didn’t know why I thought it funny, but in that moment, he was cute and that was the actual reason why I smiled. This bear of a man, who was clearly dangerous and more than just the owner of a bakery (because this factory was obvious more than that), acted adorable and it was in such a contrast that it just highlighted both sides. Dangerous and cute. It was paradox and absurd. I clearly needed to sleep. However, when he saw me giggling, he stopped in his motion to count the money and looked at me.

“Eh yu think tha’s funny, luv?” His tone was as serious as ever and he raised his eyebrows in a questioning manner. His gaze pierced me, but I saw a small twinkle of amusement in his eyes. We stared at each other for a second. In the end I couldn’t answer him, because in that moment Ollie appeared back through the door, into the office, carrying a bag filled with bread and pastries. It was probably better that I wasn’t able to explain to Mr. Solomons that I thought he was adorable. I didn’t see that end well.

“I only got the best things, Alfie.” Ollie looked at me and his face lit up, when he saw my smile. Clearly, he had been worried about my emotional state and my grin seemed to calm him. Furthermore, I felt more like myself again. I didn’t know why but concentrating my energy on Mr. Solomons seemed to help me and I was too thankful to question his effect on me.

“Alrigh’. Took yu fuckin’ long enough” was Mr. Solomons kind answer to Ollies arrival. He leaned forward and placed some of the banknotes in front of me.

“An’ tha’s for yu, luv” He slightly groaned in pain, as he settled back in his chair, placing his glasses on his long nose again. His eyes were fixated on the papers on his desk and he started to scribble something down. I saw that as a sign that I could leave, so I got up from my seat, closing my coat to hide my bloody clothes.

“Ah an’ Ollie. Ge’ tha’ bird home. Take one of the cars” He didn’t look up while he instructed Ollie and just waved in our direction. I looked onto the money, while I buttoned up my coat, but a part of me didn’t want to take it. I had come here, without thinking about payment. While I hesitated, Ollie waited for me at the door with the bag of bread under his arm. However, I glanced at Mr. Solomon. He was already busy working and my eyes were held by the bottle of whiskey for a second. I didn’t know why I did it. I really didn’t. Without thinking I leaned across the table and took the bottle instead of the money. I had liked the taste of it and I still thought it was a bad idea for Mr. Solomons to drink right now, so I decided to take the whiskey as payment.

“I’ll take the whiskey as payment. You can keep the money.” I saw how Mr. Solomon stopped in his writing and looked up to me, through his glasses, with an expression that made me shiver slightly. He opened his mouth to say something, but I was faster.

“Goodnight. And please change your bandages, otherwise my work was in vain” And with that I fled Mr. Solomons office, not daring to look at him one more time, feeling his gaze in my neck.

Ollie and I walked silently out of the big building, towards a parked car. Most of the men I had seen upon my arrival had vanished and it was almost completely empty around the big bakery. The lanky man opened the passenger door of the car for me and I got in, without really thinking about it.

Was it clever to get into a car of a stranger? Maybe not. Had it been clever to come here in the first place? Certainly not. Would I do it again if asked? Probably.

Ollie took his place behind the wheel and paused for a second before a grin spread over his face. He looked at me and I smiled back.

“He likes you, Miss Colton” was his only explanation for his chirpy state and all I could do was chuckling again and shaking my head in amusement.

“You can call me Emily”

  
Ollie started the car and I told him my address. This day had been so confusing. I still felt a knot in my stomach and total exhaustion in my bones. It weighed heavy on me, that I had fallen back into France, but at the same time I felt calmer than I had felt in a long time. I didn’t exactly know why or how it was possible that I had snapped relatively fast out of the despair, but I did and now I just wanted to sleep. 

However, maybe it was because of our light mood, or because of the fact that both of us were tired, but no one of us noticed that another car started following us through London.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “zikher nisht shvakh” (זיכער נישט שוואַך) - Certainly not weak
> 
> I looked the yiddish phrase up in a dictonary and I hope it is right! 
> 
> What do you think? Let me know!


	5. Protection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> thank you again for all the positive feedback! I am so grateful for your comments, kudos and bookmarks! My confidence isn't the highest in the moment and hearing your feedback always makes me so happy! 
> 
> I know you had to wait for this chapter, but it is also a bit longer :) I hope you like it!

###  Protection 

I didn’t know why but I felt weird.

My gut told me, that something, someone was behind me. But every time I turned around; I just saw the usual pedestrians on the street. No one seemed to give my small, moving figure any attention, but with every step I felt something in my neck. Someone. I buried myself deeper in my coat and without consciously deciding it, my steps became faster. I had just finished my shift in the hospital and was on my way home. It was evening in London, and the warmth of the vanishing twilight didn’t reach my bones. I felt cold. This feeling of being watched wasn’t new anymore. I had felt it the whole week. Every time I had stepped outside the hospital, on my way home, I had felt weird this week. I looked behind me again. There was no one I recognized or that seemed to follow me. Maybe I had really gone mad. Maybe my mind had finally cracked, and all this paranoia was only in my head. However, a small voice inside my brain told me otherwise, my gut told me otherwise.

This wasn’t all in my head. It wasn’t.

I shivered slightly and not out of cold. This was so weird. It had all begun when Ollie had dropped me off at home a week ago. I remembered how I had opened the door to the building, looking behind me and waving Ollie goodbye and already then, I had felt it. Back then I had just attributed this weird feeling as a result of my exhaustion and when I looked out of my window in my room, the street had been empty.

However, this feeling of being watched persisted. The sun said her final goodbyes for the day, and it didn’t take long until London was dipped into darkness, only illuminated by the streetlights and my uneasiness only grew. The dark figures, moving around on the streets of London made me twitch slightly. Every man or woman that brushed against me, made me jump. My whole body was tense and on alert, but it didn’t matter how often I looked behind me, I couldn’t identify the source of this feeling. I just wanted to get home, behind my door and surrounded by walls, so I could finally relax a bit. Luckily, it wouldn’t be long now. I turned right, into a smaller alley and away from the busy streets. If someone really followed me, I should see them now. Still, as I looked behind me again, no one was there. I shook my head. Maybe I had really gone mad. In the end I almost jogged home, because even though I couldn’t see someone I sometimes heard steps. I didn’t know whether they were the echo of my own, or only a creation of my paranoia, but I just wanted to get out of the streets, into my room. However, when the building I lived in came into sight I abruptly stopped in my tracks. My eyes had travelled unconsciously to the window of my room on the second floor and it struck me hard.

The window wasn’t dark. There was light.

Someone was in my room.

This information seeped through my mind into consciousness and left my mouth dry. My thoughts stopped as fast as I had stopped on the street and all I could feel was a heavy lid on my heart. I didn’t even realize that there was a car parked directly in front of the building. Someone was in my room. It couldn’t be my landlady. Mrs. Green was a nosy old lady, but she would never enter my room like that. The only thing that dominated my thoughts was the fact that someone was in my room, in my private home, in the same room where all the things from my earlier life were. In the same room where I had stored the big old suitcase from my dad, containing everything I had left from my family.

Every memory of them. All I had left was there. With a stranger.

Without thinking I started running towards my building, through the entrance and up the stairs. I didn’t even notice Mrs. Green, who tried to stop me, because all I could think of was the suitcase and that someone else was in its proximity. I had lost so much; I wouldn’t lose this.

I knew that from a rational point of view it was dumb to just confront whoever invaded my room. I should have talked to Mrs. Green first, called the police from the phone in the next building, but my behaviour wasn’t driven by rational thoughts in that moment. In the end I just opened the door to my apartment as fast as I could, totally dazed by panic. However, when I stumbled into my room I got struck by surprise, which made me stop in my haze.

The room I had rented was small and contained only a minor wardrobe rail at the entrance, where a hat and a dark coat hung that didn’t belong to me, a tiny kitchen unit, which consisted only of a small oven and a sink, a bed, which bedsheets were untidy, one closet, where I had stored almost all I had and therefor which doors didn’t close anymore, a small washbasin and a small round table with two chairs. The table was placed more or less in the middle of the room and on one of the chairs, behind that table sat Mr. Solomon. His presence surprised me so much, that I just stood there for a second, gazing at him in confusion.

Overall, he looked healthier than the last time I had seen him. The circles under his eyes weren’t as deep as before and from his body radiated that well-known aura of authority. He sat there relaxed, but his eyes gazed back at me with an alertness that made me slightly shiver. I didn’t know why or how but seeing Mr. Solomon in my room muddled me more than anything else. The panic I had felt before about a stranger invading my privacy, wasn’t as present in my mind as the simple confusion I felt seeing that man again. So, I stood there motionless, one hand still on the doorknob. I was at a loss of words in that moment. He seemed to notice my confusion and straightened up a little in his seat. He dipped one hand in his vest pocket and fished out a small clock to check the time and when his eyes left me for a second, I released a breath I had held until then.

“Faster than I fuckin’ thought’” he mumbled to himself, before he looked up, tucking away his watch. His gaze was demanding, and he waited for me to say or do something, but I still stood there, totally lost about seeing him in my room. He started to gesture with his hands for me to come in.

“Yeah Luv. Would yu close the door? I need to talk to yu” His dark tone made me swallow slightly and without thinking, I turned around to close the door behind me. My eyes met Mrs. Greens for a second, who stood in the hallway, looking at me disapprovingly. I knew I wasn’t allowed to have a man over, especially not at that time.

It wasn’t appropriate, but to be honest, Mr. Solomons presence was so pressing that I didn’t even think about pointing it out to him. So, I just closed the door of my apartment and got slowly out of my coat, hanging it beside his on the wardrobe rail. I didn’t know why but I also found my voice back. The first wave of confusion in my head faded gradually away.

“Are you here because of your wound?” I asked him. I thought about asking him if he wanted some tea or something to drink, so I hesitated between the table and the small kitchen unit. He seemed to read my thoughts, because he just pointed to the empty chair, demanding with his eyes for me to sit down, and so I did. It felt weird to sit in front of Mr. Solomon in my apartment. His presence and figure seemed so huge, not fitting in the small space of my room.

“No, it’s no’ about tha’” he grunted, absently touching his belly with one hand. I bit my lip nervously, because I just couldn’t think about another reason why he had come here. In total, why this man basically broke into my apartment, was a mystery to me. Somehow, I wasn’t even angry in that moment, I just felt confused and wary. I waited for him to state the reason of his presence and while silence fell over us, I recognized the existence of a gun on the table.

I felt my heart drop and my mouth went even drier. However, it took me only a second to realize that this gun was indeed mine, or better, it was the old one from my brother. I had normally stored it between my mattress and the bed frame and imagining Mr. Solomon walking around my room and going through my stuff, made me even more nervous. I glimpsed towards my bed, at the big suitcase that was stored under it. It still was in place and it didn’t look like it had been moved. I didn’t have any bullets for the gun, so it wasn’t loaded or anything, but it confused me that Mr. Solomon had taken it to the table. In the end it was still a gun and putting it on a table seemed like a thread.

Maybe I should say something about it. I should ask him why he was here, what he wanted and why he had gone through my things, but I kept quiet. I waited.

He looked at me and hummed in a dark, grunting tone to himself, scratching his beard before he sat a bit straighter, placing his elbows on the table.

“Yeah Luv, I don’ have a lot of time. So, I come straigh’ to it” His voice was as dark as his humming before and I gulped. I didn’t know exactly why but a part of me knew, that he wasn’t here out of fun or anything. I had seen him serious and angry before, but today was different. He seemed more stern than last week and even more powerful. I didn’t see anything playful in his eyes. Today I sat in front of a businessman and it made me even more anxious, because I just couldn’t understand his presence here.

I said nothing.

“In ‘his world live a lot of bad men. You know, fuckin’ things, withou’ any moral, without fuckin’ sense. And it comes, mh, tha’ some of ‘hose bastards saw you leavin ma bakery last week. You understand?” he hummed serious and looked at me, waiting for my reaction. His eyes didn’t leave mine and I felt a cold shiver creeping up my neck. Furthermore, he didn’t even gesture around with his hands. Something that he usually did while speaking and the lack of his usual behaviour made me even more tense. He had leaned with his elbows on his table, his big hands clasped together, stroking absent minded some of his rings, while waiting for a reaction, watching and observing every movement of my figure.

“So, I am in danger?” My voice was only a whisper. I felt totally weird in that moment. On the one hand a heavy weight fell from my heart, because this explained why I had felt the paranoia the whole week. Someone was indeed watching me, and somehow a part of me was eased by the fact that I hadn’t fantasised about it or gone mad. It was real and not only in mind.

On the other hand, my bones got even colder and I shivered slightly. What had I gotten into? The way how serious Mr. Solomons was about this topic told me, that I probably really was at risk. I didn’t know who or why someone had laid eyes on me. Honestly, I didn’t know anything about Mr. Solomons, his business or anything else related to that man.

“Eh maybe luv. Maybe. Luckily for yu, I’m here to offer yu my protection. Of course, it will cost you somethin” he grunted, scratching his beard, still observing my figure.

I bit my lip and scrunched my eyebrow at his statement.

He offered his protection. And I had to pay? What the actual fuck?

This man had broken into my home, to tell me (sitting at my table) that I had to pay for his protection? Wasn’t it his fault that I was in that mess after all? It seemed like being linked to Mr. Solomons brought trouble with it. And now he had the audacity to tell me, after I had stitched him up last week, that I had to pay for a protection I would have never needed if he hadn’t been so stubborn about doctors in the first place.

The anger about that fact flared up in me. So, he had come here to ask for payment? Not only that, but he had looked through my belongings, broken into my home. He sat behind my table. I didn’t know what reaction he was expecting of me, but I didn’t really care. I knew he noticed my anger, but he still didn’t move or apologized for causing trouble. I closed my eyes for a second, trying to steady my angered breathing.

“So, you are telling me I have to pay for your protection for a problem that your existence caused? I don’t even know what you are doing or what these men want” My words were pressed through my gritted teeth and I glared at him.

Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I should be thankful that he was here, but in that moment, I just felt furious about his calm presence, about his dark eyes and about him in general. His eyes didn’t leave mine and he pointed one finger at me to illustrate the importance of his next sentence even more.

“There’s nothin for free in this world, luv.” His voice was still dark, and I thought I recognized something familiar in his eyes, but I couldn’t really identify his expression. Actually, I didn’t even try. I snorted and shook my head in disbelief.

This was all he had to say about it? I knew I probably acted like a child, but I didn’t care. I felt tired and drained after the long shift in the hospital and I just wanted to be alone. From a rational point of view, I should just go to the police tomorrow. But what would I say? That I had stitched Mr. Solomons up and now some men were after me, for whatever reason? It was laughable. I knew nothing and I had no connection to Mr. Solomon whatsoever. Maybe this would just pass by after he left. I would never see him again, and whoever followed me would leave on their own when they realized that. I rubbed a hand over my tired face.

“You know what Mr. Solomon. I’m fine. I can look after myself. I don’t need your protection and furthermore I am tired and it’s late” I stood up and walked to my apartment door, not looking at him. “So, I have to ask you to leave” With that I opened my door and waited for him to get out of my room. I heard some hectic steps in the stairwell that belonged probably to Mrs. Green, who went into hiding after eavesdropping.

Nothing happened.

I didn’t hear any noises from the table that would indicate that Mr. Solomon actually had gotten up and so I lifted my eyes and looked at him. He still sat in the chair, his stare was focused on my figure and his whole expression was a mystery to me. However, he got up slowly, not breaking eye contact.

“Alrigh’ prove it, luv. Show me how you defend yurself an’ I will leave yu alone. Yeah, I just act like I’m one of 'hose fuckers and yu defend yurself. Yeah? Alrigh’ I just have to forge’ all my morals, yeah and all my jewish values, eh ‘cause they fuckin’ have none” He scratched his beard and closed his eyes for a second, focusing on his act or whatever. He hummed darkly and breathed out loudly.

And the second after he opened his eyes, he drew a gun from his back. I blinked confused and starred at the gun in his hand, that was suddenly directly pointing at me. I heard the small click when he loaded it and my heart dropped.

What the actual fuck?

“W-what?..” I stammered confused, clutching with one hand the doorknob. What was he doing? Was this a sick joke? He stared at me.

“Eh yeah you’re probably righ’. Those fuckers are pretty stupid, so they probably think they don’ need a gun for a woman” He acted like he was seriously thinking about it, and I tried to hide the fact that I didn’t know if I should be afraid of him in that moment. In the end he tossed his gun onto the table, next to mine and started walking towards me.

His eyes never left mine and a shiver ran down my spine when he came closer. It was not the first time that I had felt like prey under his gaze and my heart dropped in my stomach, beating nervously.

What was he doing? I should say something. Anything! But nothing came over my lips.

Meanwhile Mr. Solomon rounded on me, invaded my personal space. He raised one arm, gripping the edges of the door and with a swift motion he slammed it shut again. The doorknob slipped out of my hand and I gulped. For a second, we just stared at each other in silence. My heart beat nervously in my chest and I knew he wanted to test me, or better show me that I wasn’t able to protect myself from him, from anyone, but I was to stubborn to admit it in that moment.

Instead I tried to hold my ground. His presence was overwhelming and when he started moving, I tried to get away from him, but he was faster, gripping my body and slamming it at the wall in my back. I fidgeted and tried to get out of his grip. I attempted to hit or kick him, but he pinned me on the spot with his massive body and hands, that held onto my wrists, forcing them against the wall as well. His grip and strength in general were firm, but it didn’t hurt. His body was pressed against mine and I breathed hectically, totally overwhelmed by his proximity.

I smelled this sweet and spicy note that surrounded his presence and felt his warm breath against my heated cheeks. He let go of one of my wrists and leaned in even closer, grabbing the side of my neck. A shiver ran through my body because of his touch and I bit my lip. What the fuck? His beard scratched slightly over my cheek and I felt his breath on my earlobe when he leaned in.

“So, luv. I’ll tell you what ‘hose bastards will do to you. Eh, they will ask you abou’ information and we both know yu have none, but they don’. So, you won’ be able to give them anythin and they won’ believe you. So, they’ll probably start to rape yu, yeah fuck yu with their little disgustin dicks and after tha’ they’ll cut yu in pieces, eh finger after finger and so fuckin’ on. So, eh yu fuckin’ show me how you defend yurself” His voice was rough, only a whisper, but as powerful as ever.

I felt it vibrating through my body and I had trouble concentrating on his words, because of the whole situation and because of him in general. I tried to clear my head and concentrate, but his proximity made it impossible to focus and when his thumb started to stroke over the skin of my throat, I had to close my eyes for a second.

This was bad. His words and the prospects of my future seeped through my mind, and it was brutal and devastating, and I was truly scared about it, but I didn’t want to make it so easy for him, so obvious that I wouldn’t be able to look after myself. I stayed silent. However, I mustered up every strength I had and started my attempt to fight. I tried to shove him away, to free myself from his grip, but nothing happened. He didn’t even move a little bit.

I just heard and felt the vibration of his chuckle as an answer to my feeble attempts. However, I didn’t stop to struggle against him. A part of me knew that he just acted like that to prove his point and somehow, I was sure that he wouldn’t really hurt me, but in that moment, it was just too much. He was so close. He let go of my other wrist and I stemmed my hands against his chest, trying to shove him away with every muscle in my body. He didn’t move away. Instead I felt how he wrapped an arm around my waist and I suddenly lost the ground under my feet when he lifted me up. For a brief second, I was so surprised, that I froze, and my hands clutched onto his shoulders. Nevertheless, I started to fidget again in his arms, without any result.

“Even lighter than I fuckin’ imagined’” He murmured to himself and started walking back to the table with me in his arms. In the end he sat me down on the table, shoving his figure between my legs, so I wasn’t able to kick him, and grabbing my throat with one of his big hands.

I gulped. His grip felt extremely powerful and when I looked into his dark brown eyes, I felt again like a small sheep. The feeling of his cold rings on my throat stirred something inside me, that I tried to ignore. My skirt slid slightly up, and my cheeks burned with embarrassment about the whole situation.

Still, I tried to steady my figure with one hand on the table but when I placed it behind me, I didn’t touch the wood from the table, instead my fingers made contact with something cold. Metallic. I suddenly remembered how Mr. Solomon had tossed his gun onto the table and without even thinking, or looking I wrapped my fingers around the gun handle, lifting it and pointing the gun at the man in front of me.

All this happened in the fraction of a second. I looked straight at him, trying to show some confidence, even though I had none in that moment. However, I felt how his body froze for a second. His eyes travelled to the gun in my hands and back to me. However, I didn’t look away. I mustered up a small victory smile. For a brief second, I felt how his hand tensed around my throat and I saw something in his gaze that made me swallow.

“Alrigh’ luv. If you wan’ to intimidate someone with a gun, yu should load it, so go ahead” His stare was intense and made me slightly shiver. I didn’t know what I had expected. Maybe that he would let go of me or something like that, but that he told me to load the gun surprised me more than anything else. I hesitated for a second, but the small click that echoed through the silent room indicated that I did as he had told me.

I didn’t break the eye contact, even though his gaze was piercing me down. For a moment neither of us moved. It was so silent, that I could basically hear my nervous heartbeat and suddenly I felt Mr. Solomons fingers wrapped around my hand that held the gun. His hand was big, way bigger than mine and I bit my lip anxiously. Mr. Solomons other hand was still on my throat, stroking again with his thumb over my skin.

“Alrigh’ and now yu should point it righ’. Yeah, like for example at my chest” He guided our hands with the gun, so that the end of it touched his chest at the level of his heart. I swallowed but didn’t look away from his eyes. We stared at each other and I didn’t really know why, but I wasn’t able to break eye contact. His gaze had captured me, like he had trapped my whole figure on the table. I still felt like prey, even though I basically pointed a loaded gun at him, but it didn’t feel like I had the upper hand. His aura and his presence dominated everything around him, including me and I was sure as hell that he knew it.

“Or yu could point it a' my head’” His dark baritone was only a whisper, but nevertheless powerful. Again, he started moving the gun in our hands. This time he pointed the end of it under his chin, in his beard, upwards towards his head. He leaned in even closer. I felt his warm breath on my skin and I still wasn’t able to look away from him. His other hand was still on my throat and my whole body felt soft in that moment. He had full control of the situation and he knew it. I knew it. His nose almost touched mine and I didn’t know what to do or to say. I didn’t even fight his presence.

“An’ now. You shoot”

My eyes widened in surprise and I immediately tried to pull the gun away from his head, but his grip was too strong. He wouldn’t allow it.

“W-what no” I stammered, looking in his dark brown eyes. In the end he wrapped one of his fingers over mine on the trigger and pulled it. My whole body froze in shock, but it only clicked.

Nothing happened.

The click echoed through the silent room and in my ears. However, I was so confused that I broke eye contact. For the first time I actually looked down at the gun and I realized that I hadn’t grabbed Mr. Solomons gun. I had grabbed the old one from my brother. The one without bullets. This information seeped through my mind and my eyes met Mr. Solomons again. He still stared at me and silence fell over us.

I didn’t know what to think about the whole situation. The atmosphere around us felt tense, but not dangerous. I still felt the cold metal of the gun and the warmth of his hand, wrapped around mine, the strength of it on my throat, but his gaze was more pressing than anything else. I saw a few light amber specs in his dark brown eyes, that circled around his even darker pupil and sometimes I thought I recognized something in his eyes, but it was so vague that I couldn’t pinpoint it down.

However, I was pulled out from the deepness of his eyes by a knock on the door. The soft sound made me slightly jump.

I heard how someone opened my door and the voice of Ollie travelled to my ears.

“Alfie we need to-“ However, Ollie wasn’t able to finish the sentence. In one fast motion Mr. Solomon pulled the gun from my hands and turned slightly around, pointing the gun at Ollie. I couldn’t see the door, nor Ollie because Mr. Solomons huge figure blocked me from the entrance. He hadn’t turned completely away, and for a second, I just stared at his chest, totally confused. I felt embarrassment rise up in me.

This wasn’t appropriate. Mr. Solomon still stood between my legs, my skirt was still slightly pulled up and one of Mr. Solomons hands was still on my throat. This wasn’t appropriate for a lady. I blushed and was to ashamed to move or say anything.

“Ollie you ge’ the fuck ou’. Now” Mr. Solomons tone was hard, striking. I couldn’t see directly his face, but I imagined his glare and felt bad for Ollie. I also wasn’t able to see Ollies reaction, but I only heard some slow footsteps and how the door fell shut again. Slowly Mr. Solomon turned towards me again, putting the gun next to us on the table. I bit my lip. This whole situation was so weird.

In the haze I had almost forgotten the reason of Mr. Solomons visit, but it sluggishly came back to my consciousness. We stared at each other for a second. He still held onto my throat and neither of us moved.

“So, how much would your protection cost?” I whispered. It was a miracle that I was able to speak. I knew it wouldn’t make sense to ask him about details, about who these men were and what information they wanted to get, so I didn’t even bother to ask. There was a small smile at the corner of his lips because we both knew that I basically admitted that he had won. We both knew I needed his protection and it would have been stupid to deny it any longer. I didn’t delude myself into thinking I was able to stand up for myself. Actually, I had never thought that, I had just been too stubborn to admit it to him in the beginning. And in the end stubbornness could only get you so far.

Mr. Solomon leaned in closer, tensing his grip on my throat slightly, piercing me with his gaze.

“One day, luv. I’ll ask yu for a favour, an’ yu’ll say yes” And with that he slowly let go of my throat, stepping away. The air on my suddenly exposed neck felt cold and I shivered. Even though I wouldn’t admit it to him or myself in that moment, but as soon as he had let go of me, I missed the feeling of his strength on my skin.

It was weird. So weird.

I stared at him. A favour? What did that mean? When would he ask for it, and more importantly what would he ask for? Suddenly he clapped his hands loudly together. I jumped again in shock about the loud sound and heard him sniggering about my jittery reaction.

“Alrigh’ luv. Tha’s it. I’ll leave you now” His voice was lighter now, not as tense as before and I saw a glimpse of amusement in his dark, brown eyes. He went to the wardrobe rail and put on his coat and his hat. I still wasn’t able to move and sat on the table, staring at him in wonder. He had already grabbed the doorknob when he stopped again for a second. He slightly turned around and raised a hand, pointing one finger at me.

“Ah and luv. For fucks sake’: don’ point a gun a’ me ever again. I don’ really like it, yu know?”

And with that he left.

I stared at the closed door for a while, still not moving. However, when I finally got out of the daze I had fallen into I slid down the table, noticing that next to the gun from my brother lay anoter one: Mr. Solomons gun. He seemed to have forgotten it, but somehow I wasn't so sure about it. Mr. Solomon didn't seem like the type of men who would forget his gun.

Maybe. Just maybe, he had left it here on purpose. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you think?


	6. Getting caught

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody,
> 
> I know it has been a long time, but I had to deal with a lot of stress the past months and just hadn't time to write. I hope you can forgive me! I also hope that all of you have a wonderful and save christmas time! I know this year can get lonely alone, so I hope my writing can distract you a bit from the real world.  
> As always I want to thank you for your comments, kudos and bookmarks! You don't know how much it means to me! :)
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter!

### Getting caught

A month had passed since my last encounter with Mr. Solomons. At first, I had been really concerned after our meeting and therefor I had been especially careful and paranoid when I had stepped outside. However, the very next day after his visit, two men were standing in front of my house and had explained they worked for Mr. Solomons. They informed me that, if everything was well, I probably wouldn’t see much of them at all, because they wanted to remain hidden in the background.

And that was the last time I saw and heard something from Mr. Solomons so far. I had never seen anybody suspicious and as more time passed, the less attentive I became. I figured that no news from Mr. Solomons was probably something good.

Autumn was slowly but surely turning into winter and London started to vibrate with the festive aura of upcoming Christmas. However, the Christmas joy didn’t infect me. If I was honest, I really hated that time of the year. December was about to start, and everyone started to speak about Christmas, about their family, about peace, love, the lord and all that crap.

More than once Mary had asked me, during one of our shifts, what my plans for the holiday were and my simple answer was always: work. The shifts around Christmas weren’t popular, because everybody wanted to stay home with their husbands and family, so it was easy enough to fill my time because I remained at the hospital anyways. The truth was, during the festive season I felt the absence of my family even more and work kept me from thinking about them too much. I didn’t mind working over Christmas, I even preferred it, because I simply had no other option, no other place to go.

I pulled my coat tighter around me as I stepped out of the hospital, onto the street. My shift today had taken a bit longer, because we had so much to do that I had stayed over time. Therefor the sun had already vanished and the streets in London were dipped into the blurry streetlights and the warm illumination that shone from the windows of houses that were filled with happy families. The weather the past few days had been awful. It had constantly rained and even now a small drizzle made me shiver. However, the streets were still busy and so I stepped into the sea of moving dark coats, thinking about warm tea and my bed at home. I moved between the other people as I always did and tried to retreat more in my coat as my hair started to become wet because of the misty weather.

At first everything was normal.

I didn’t notice the two men that were following me, because the streets were full of people. Everyone was chatting with their companions; loud footsteps and the drizzle of rain filled my ears.

“Da ist sie. Wir dürfen sie nicht verlieren. Schnell!“ (There she is. We can’t lose her. Faster!)

The words from a man behind me reached my ears and I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion and somehow my heart stopped for a second. I even walked in a woman with her child by mistake. I apologized hectically and I began to walk faster without realizing it. At once I had noticed that the language the man behind me used was German. And because my dad had taught me German, I immediately understood what the man had said.

The mass of people seemed to suffocate me at that moment and at the same time it gave me a bit confidence. I wasn’t alone in a dark alley. My heartbeat became faster, as my steps and I started to breathe hectically. I looked behind me, without stopping and made eye contact with a man in a dark leather coat, not far behind me. I didn’t see much of him, but what I saw was enough. My heart stopped.

I didn’t know how I concluded that they were after me, because maybe this could have been just a dump misunderstanding or coincidence and they looked for someone else, but my gut told me that they were after me, that they were the men that Mr. Solomons had warned me about. Maybe it would have been better to act like I hadn’t realized that they were following me, but without stopping, without thinking I started to run past the other people around me and I heard a loud shout from behind me, from the same voice.

“Sie hat uns entdeckt! Bekommt sie zu fassen!“ (She saw us! Get her!).

I didn’t dare to look behind me again.

I just ran as fast as I could down the street. The loud thuds of my steps and theirs echoed through the streets and panic started to rise inside me. Maybe they had watched me, maybe more were waiting in some corners and I concluded that staying on a busy street would give me an advantage.

However, I didn’t stop.

I ran. The fast footsteps behind me came closer. I ran. The fast footsteps behind me came closer.

I took a turn to the right by chance, hoping to lose them.

I ran. The fast footsteps behind me came closer. I went on.

My breathing was hectically, I felt my wet hair on my forehead and a cold shiver in my neck. They still saw me.

I ran. They came closer. I ran.

My legs and lungs started to burn from the effort and for a second, I thought about entering a shop but then I would have been cornered in. Sooner or later I had to leave again, and they would wait outside. Maybe I should speak with someone? Maybe I should ask for help? But who? The people around me seemed so dark in their coats and the misty fog that filled the air and I didn’t have much time deciding, because I just ran on, too afraid to stop.

In the blink of an eye I decided to take the next turn to the left and as I ran around the corner, I slammed directly into someone.

Someone big.

I lost balance but the person managed to hold my elbows, before I could fall. My lungs seemed to be out of air, because I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell the man in front of me that I needed help. My side burned and I tried to find my voice back.

“I---please..help-..Someone---following…me” Was all I managed to say, still panting. However, it was then when I realized that the grip on my arms was a bit too harsh to be friendly and when I looked up I realized that the man was staring behind me. He didn’t say anything and the silence from him also alarmed me. Immediately I tried to rip my arms from his grip, but it didn’t work. He still held onto me. This man was tall, bulky and had short, ash blonde hair. His features were hard and when I met his eyes, I couldn’t see any kindness in them. I struggled against him and when he finally opened his mouth, I felt tears of panic welling up. My heart stopped and a cold came over my body.

“Halt still! Ich habe sie Fritz“

“No no no no” I muttered full of panic. I struggled harder and harder but it didn’t do anything. I realized that a few people around us were looking at me, but no one stopped. No one dared to intervene, and I wanted to scream but I was still panting from the run and couldn’t find the strength in my lungs. However, I wouldn’t make it that easy for them and so I fought on against his grip. More people were looking, but still no one stopped.

“Let me go! Let me-“ Before I could really scream I felt one big, cold hand over my mouth that muffled my louder getting voice. All this happened in a few seconds and meanwhile the other two men had reached us and were also rounding on me.

“Sehr gut. Lasst sie uns wegbringen. Endlich“ (Very well. Let’s get her away. Finally!)

They started to tear me to a car I hadn’t seen until then and my fighting got more desperate with every second. I knew if they managed to drag me into the car my best chances were over. The street here wasn’t as full as before, but here were still people. However, no one stopped. No one spoke and no coppers, nor any men from Mr. Solomons were in sight. I tried to scream, to kick, to punch and the hard grip of the men brought tears to my eyes.

Still, no one stopped. They opened the car door and at first the blonde man who still covered my mouth got in and hauled me after him into the darkness of the car. I kicked, trying to get at one of the others, but they grabbed my legs, getting into the car and with a cold shudder I heard how they closed the door and felt how the car started moving.

Still, I didn’t budge. I screamed against the hand, blind in fear and terror and my whole body struggled to free itself from their grips. I heard their annoyed voices and huffs and suddenly for a second the hand from my mouth was gone, but before I could even fill my lungs in order to scream I felt a hard fist collide with my cheek. Pain spread through my head and I couldn’t see anything through my tears and my fear.

“Sei still du Schlampe” (Be quiet slut)

The angry voices reached my ears and I felt another hard hit in my stomach, that made me bend over and groan in pain. I still tried to fill my lungs with air. I still struggled, but in the end, I felt a wet cloth covering my nose and mouth and I screamed against it in terror as I breathed in the stinging scent from it.

It burned. My body burned. My tears burned.

And the dark outlines of the men in the car became blurry, as the rest of the world before I fell down a long tunnel of fear and landed in total darkness when my consciousness slipped away, and my body went limp.

_And suddenly I was a kid again._

_“I got you” James hit me playfully with his wooden sword and I pretended to fall down. I heard the others giggle as I fell into the grass and smiled. The warm sun was shining over us and the soft grass was tingling my skin. The sounds of Fin and Max travelled to my ears and I heard birds chirp lightly around us and the buzzing of the bees. I didn’t understand why I always had to die first when we played knights in the fields behind our house._

_And no one was even looking now. I heard them go on. I glimpsed through one open eye and saw them with their wooden swords duelling. They always caught me first. Pff…only because I was the youngest, but they weren’t even really really old yet. Max was only 12 but he said that this meant he was a man now. As if. Even James and Fin weren’t men and they were older. Pff_

_“Hey, does nobody care that James murdered me? I mean I am a girl! A knight would never do that!” I leaned on my elbows and watched my three older brothers that stopped playing and started running towards me. Fin helped me up and gave me my sword, which I had forgotten in the grass, back._

_“Maybe if you were a princess we would rescue you. But you always want to be a knight” Max explained grinning and I hit him with my sword, still pouting a little bit, but a small smile spread over my face._

_“I told you I don’t want to be a princess. I want to be a knight. Fin can be the princess”_

_Now everyone laughed and Fin threw dramatically away his sword. “Oh, my brave knight Emily. Pleeaaassseee rescue me from those ugly orcs who are our brothers” he squealed with a fake high pitched voice and pretended to faint. My smile grew wider. I grabbed the sword in my hands tighter and built my body up to its full tiny height._

_“Do not fear young princess Fin! I shall rid you of those idiots” I exclaimed heroically and with a few swift motions I hit my other brothers with my swords. They stood no chance and in the end they fell defeated in the grass, pretending to be dead. Of course I knew that they let me win, but I didn’t care. I just laughed and jumped back to my princess._

_“Oh you brave knight Emily! How coouuuldd I eveeer thank yoouu?”Fin whined while I ran towards him and he grabbed me and hauled me onto his arms, while I triumphantly held out my sword. Everybody laughed. James and Max were still lying in the grass._

_“Isn’t it tradition that the princess kisses the knight?” suggested Max from the grass._

_“Very well. So it will be” squeaked Fin, still in a high pitched fake voice, but I began to struggle in his arms._

_“Ewww nooo” and with that Fin lost his balance and we both fell into the grass next to James and Max. We all laughed and threw some grass at each other before we started to relax and watch the blue sky, enjoying the perfect summer day. I never wanted this day to end.  
_

_“Hey, let’s build a blanket fortress for the knights later” I suggested after a short silence and I turned my head to the left side but unexpectedly I was alone in the grass. I looked to the other side, but James, Fin and Max were gone.  
“Hey where are you?” I asked and looked over the field, but I couldn’t see them. The atmosphere of the warm summer day was shifting, clouds began to cover the sun and a cold wind brushed through the grass and my hair._

_“Hey, that is not funny. Where are you guys?” I screamed, suddenly in fear. I stood up and turned around, but the whole field was empty. The birds had stopped chirping and I couldn’t even see our house on the horizon. Fear spread over my body and I felt tears in my eyes. The wind sped up and whipped around me. Where were my brothers? They had been right by my side the whole time. It wasn’t possible that they just vanished, or? Why was I suddenly alone?_

_“James! Max! Fin!” I screamed at the top of my lungs “Where are you?” I started to sob. I turned and turned but no one was there. I was all alone. They were gone. My body started to shiver and I cried loudly, but no one heard my sobs. No one was there._

_I was all alone._

With a scream I woke up from the terror of my unconsciousness. My body immediately started to fight on its own again and with a loud thud I fell down from whatever I had laid on. Breathing burned and I needed a few seconds to grasp the situation I was in, or better: to remember how all this had started. I drew hectic, low breaths as I remembered how I had run away from the men on the street and how they got me in the end. My face and body still ached from their punches, but in the moment I couldn’t really feel that pain. 

The pain inside me was still focused on the memory I had relived and the imaginational ending. I had seen my brothers. I had lost them again. Tears were blurring my sight and I tried to hide a sob. If I closed my eyes for just one second, I could see their young faces from their childhood as if they were here with me. Their laughter still rang in my ears.

But they weren’t here. Instead I heard a male voice.

“Was zum Teufel? Steh auf!“ (What the hell? Get up!”)

My heart stopped terrified, because I hadn’t realized that someone was with me, but when I looked up, I saw the same blond man that had gotten me on the street in the end. It seemed like I was to slow for his liking and so he grabbed me hard by my arm and forced me painfully on top of the back of a truck, where I seemingly had laid before. For a second, we looked at each other in silence, his hand still on my arm. I could see that he was thinking about something, but hadn’t decided what to do next.

Meanwhile I realized that I was in a large storage hall, full of old cars, barrels and other stuff. It was pretty dark, so it was hard to identify all the objects around me, or the actual size of it. I still saw the faces of my brothers in their childhood in my head and I had trouble focusing and comprehending the situation, still feeling tears running down my cheeks. Why was I alone with that men in a storage hall? Would he torture me?

I heard some muffled voices that came from another room and I focused my attention to a large factory sliding door and recognized the light shining through under that door.

And then I suddenly heard it.

I heard it coming from the other room.

His voice. 

It was low and I couldn’t really understand what he was saying but there was no mistake. It was Mr. Solomons voice.

I didn’t know exactly why but something like calmness rushed through my body in that moment. He was here. He wasn’t far away. I didn’t know whether he knew they had captured me or that I was just one room away, but I definitely knew: he would help me, once I got to him. I was so sure about that fact: it gave me strength in that moment and in all honesty, I didn’t question it. It wasn’t really logical to think that Mr. Solomons would give a damn about me in the end, but he had promised me protection and there was just something about his promise. True, his protection seemed to have failed. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here, but I didn’t care about that right now. An instinct told me, my best chance to get out of this was Mr. Solomons.

The man in front of me seemed to notice that I had recognized Mr. Solomons voice, because he now grabbed me harder and covered my mouth with one hand just in time, before I could scream. I struggled off the truck, but it wasn’t any good. I was still not strong enough to free myself, but I didn’t stop trying. However, the blonde man seemed to lose his patience with me. I fought on, as hard as I could. He turned me around, pinning me hard between the edge of the back of the truck and him. I couldn’t see where he got it from, or how he managed to grab it, but I suddenly felt something sharp and cold on my throat and I immediately froze. He pressed a big knife against my throat, and I felt how it started to cut my skind slightly. A cold shiver ran through my body and I didn't dare to breathe.

“You quiet” He only whispered those two words in my ear, and I closed my eyes for a second, because his hot breath on my skin made me nauseous. I wanted to vomit. His body was pressed completely against mine and I only realized now how close this man was. He seemed to understand my stillness as surrender, because I felt how his grip on my mouth relaxed a bit.

The next thing I did wasn’t a conscious decision. I wasn’t really thinking straight, with my brothers in my head and Mr. Solomons in the next room I just wanted to get out of here. I wanted to run.

The moment I felt how he loosened his grip around my mouth I opened my lips and bit as hard as I could in his hand.The metallic taste of his blood and flesh filled my mouth immediately. At the same time, I grabbed his hand with the knife with both of my hands and pushed it away from my skin as hard as I could. Maybe it was the pain of my bite, or the surprise of it, but it worked. I struck his hand with the knife as hard as I could against the back of the pickup truck, while I still bit deeper in the other one, hearing him scream in anger and pain.

Finally, he wrenched his hand from my mouth, stumbling slightly away from me and I spit out a little chunk of flesh and his blood and I had to actively repulse my body from vomiting on the spot. However, his other hand had actually dropped the knife and I didn’t know whether it was luck or anything else, but I was able to grab it.

In the same moment I turned around with it in my hand, the blond man lunched on me and before I could comprehend what happened I felt how the blade sunk into his body and we both fell sideways next to the truck with a loud thud.

It was completely quiet. My hands still held the knife and I felt warm blood sinking in my clothes from the man that laid over me. The only thing I could hear was my hectic breath. For a few seconds I was crushed by the weight of his body and shocked by the whole situation. I was frozen. 

The body over me wasn’t moving anymore. He wasn’t breathing. The metallic taste of his blood on my tongue made me sick. In the end I didn’t know how long it actually took me to come back to my senses, but somehow, I managed to let go of the knife and I shoved the body from me. Slowly I looked to my left and my eyes met directly two blue, empty ones. In the end I covered my mouth to silence my shocked sob and I looked away quickly, closing my eyes. For a few seconds I just laid there, not able to move or to think. This time my mind was completely empty.

“I’m sorry” was all I could say and with one last glance to the man next to me, I got up.

This wasn’t the first time I had seen death. No, it wasn’t. But it was the first time that I had actively caused it.

I left him behind and went straight to the door, wiping my mouth with my sleeve. The only thing that mattered now was to get out of here, or better: to get to Mr. Solomons. He would take me home. At least I hoped so, because until now his protection wasn’t really doing anything for me, but still: In that moment I counted completely on him.

With that in mind I took the cold handle of the door in my hand and pushed it to the side, so that it slid open. Maybe it wasn’t clever to just barge in like that, but I honestly didn’t care. I just wanted to go home.

For a second, I was blinded by the light in the room and my eyes needed a moment to get used to it. This room was smaller than the storage hall. It seemed to be a vestibule to the storage unit and its only furniture was a big old oak desk with two chairs, one on each side. Both of them were occupied and a few other men stood around the room. I realized that everyone was staring at me, but I didn’t really care on how my appearance must have looked with blood on my lips and clothes and I had probably a blue mark in my face.

My attention was focused on a single person. This person sat in one of the chairs and returned my gaze directly with his dark brown eyes. I immediately recognized the familiar feeling of power that radiated from him and it seeped over me. It comforted me. He didn’t look angry, nor surprised (as most of the others did), he just returned my gaze with calmness and for the first time since I had left the hospital that day, I could breathe again and I finally broke the silence that had fallen over the room.

“Mr. Solomons, your protection is shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! And I know our favorite baker only appeared at the end, but next chapter you will get more of him :)


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